i love both you and the german language way too much
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Montag, Oktober 13, 2008
Mostly because I want to keep having this thing for its records and in case I ever need it, let me say:
A year of my life passed! Possibly the best one yet. I worked at the Children's Museum and realized that I am a superhero. Now more Brown and more loving my friends and no more Ben Dalton. I am pretty happy and feel sometimes like my superhero self but also sometimes like my sophomore-year-college self. We'll see, I guess, how it goes. Partly because I've started co-counseling, I have hope.
11:31 AM
Dienstag, August 28, 2007
It makes me sad to think about Hale-Bopp returning in 4377. I'm not sure what it is. I guess I'm trying to imagine the scene, people all over the world turning out to see the comet, just like we did, and reflecting on it's last passing--probably they'll still have photos of it--thinking about what it meant to people in 1997. And the distance is making me sad. I can't create a picture of the future-people, what sort of dwellings they'll come out of to look at the sky, what the future equivalent of cheesy History Channel documentaries will be, what they will and won't be able to recover of our old TV footage and pictures about the comet, and what kinds of mass media they will or won't be incorporating such records into. I don't even know if I'm focusing on the unimaginable things that will really define their distance from me, when they reflect on 2380 years ago. It's a lot of distance. And maybe the real problem is imagining a world with no trace of me or anyone I've ever known. There won't be anyone distinguishably related to any of us. The magnitude of the things you have to do to be a household name thousands of years after your death! Found a major religion or be Alexander the Great, basically. It kind of makes me want to write books or be a philosopher, so there's a chance of my influencing someone's life or thought way down the line. Even if I manage to achieve something as a geologist, even if I learn something with such widespread and important results that people still read about it in some college geology courses in 4377, no one will read about it and have their life changed, even for a few days. I guess this is what Aaron Becker has been talking about; the greater societal impact of great acheivments in the sciences and the greater personal impact of those in the humanities.
I guess I could become an astronomer and study comets while living a life somehow unusual and story-worthy outside of my work; then maybe a biography will be written about me and I'll have a chapter in some book about crazy comet-lovers, and some future-geek who's really into comets will find me a kindred spirit and reflect upon the fact that I would have been 10 years old and living in Connecticut when Hale Bopp last passed close to Earth. Not a good way to go, though.
They're people, but they're not my people. I have a hard time empathising with them--what's empathy beyond pretending to be another person? I don't know what clothes to dress myself up in or what attitudes to try to understand (as I write this, I imagine the children at the PCM, playing in the time tunnel, pretending to be children from the past, perhaps, but more often pretending to be pirates).
If the return of Hale-Bopp is scary, how much worse to try to imagine the end of humanity, whatever mass extinction event gets us. I'm having an even harder time figuring out and describing what speaks to me about the idea of the end of the world-for-people, and I'm tired, so i'll stop now. Maybe I'll think about it more later, but I would bet most blogpromises to write more later are never fulfilled, and the one I'm not making now probably won't be, either.
If I do lots of ridiculous things in old age, maybe I can expect my grandchildren to tell their grandchildren about me. I guess that's the best we can realistically do. Why does it matter? Am I only as self-centered as my humanness explains, or am I additionally self-centered as a young human, like my mother thinks?
1:01 AM
Donnerstag, August 09, 2007
I wish I knew whether I have this Children's Museum job already. The useless waiting and unsureness and continually frustrated anticipation is doing nothing for my mood.
3:47 PM
Sonntag, Dezember 17, 2006
for all the bad stuff that i experienced this semester, I'm feeling tremendously sad to be leaving. when mom dropped me off after bono's concert, we were walking around and i was complaining about how i'm wasting my time and not getting the most out of school and not being who and what i want to be and not feeling fulfilled, and we were saying it was all the fault of the myth/pressure to have "bright college days" (apparently a yale song, sung by fifty years of alumni during eva's graduation weekend)...and then a few minutes later when I took her into my room to see the christmas tree and I was giving her the whole story and showing her the ornaments, she got a little choked up and said something like, "you won't think this was bright college days?" and i realized that i would.
living with Geddes, continuing to be with ben, pulling thorugh badness, celebrating christmas early, getting to know brenna more, living in interfaith, asl, el 18 and ed, hugging will when he was sad, ballroom, even briefly doing rtv stuff, growing plants...this has been a good almost-four-months of my life.
tying together a few things: i may not have had so much happiness, but i've had great joy.
Even that I ended up wasting a class is not such a terrible loss...if i went to a school with a big core, I'd probably have felt that more were wasted. And it finally got me to write a fifteen-page paper, which, though it wasn't something I'll read over in a few years to bask in my own brilliance, at least pretty much ties up my ability to have graduated from staples high school.
that was supposed to be funny.
taking down our christmas tree was very sad. i hung the ornaments up on the windows.
i got a halloween card from cindy but i never check my mail so i didn't notice it until like a week ago. i miss cindy. if she's not in town over break i will have to go to boston next semester, though it would be kind of strange to go alone.
11:26 AM
Donnerstag, Dezember 14, 2006
commmiserating finals hug in the hallway at 2:45 in the morning goes a long way.
i think i am okay with how this semester happened. or that i will be okay with it in a day and a half when it's over.
2:44 AM
Sonntag, Oktober 29, 2006
i'm pretty much not okay. maybe i will be able to make myself okayer tomorrow.
12:56 AM
Dienstag, Oktober 10, 2006
n korea has nuclear weapons, karl heinzen is dead, and i'm listening to They'll Need a Crane for exactly the reason one would expect me to be.
5:31 PM
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